Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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