Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(561): View more from Florida

It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.

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(813): View more from Florida

The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work

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