Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
3 2 1 whiskey
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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