I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
