dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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