Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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