Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
