there was a trapeze. enough said
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
