Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
