So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
