Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
