I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
