I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
