i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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