Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
