he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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