Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
