Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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