I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
