She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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