Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
