Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
