Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
