just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
