My Higher Power is John Stamos
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
