I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
