You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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