The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
