textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
