I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
