I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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