I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
