also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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