I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
