1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
