He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
