my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
where are my eyebrows?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
