You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
