ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
