Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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