but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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