Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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