idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
