Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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