$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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