Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
