I hate your face
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
