Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
