Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
