having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
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Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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