I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
