I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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