just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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