Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
