Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
