Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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