he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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